The Spiral Begins Again

I've always tried for the best
I never wanted everything to end up so confusing
If all my life is a test
I never thought that God would find my failure so amusing

[Chorus]

Give me something good and I'll fuck it up
All my life I've tried but never had much luck
To be happy but I guess it's just not meant to be
I'm gunna die a loser

I'm sorry family and friends
I always wanted to be something you could all be proud of
All I am is a mess
And you still give me every chance in the world and all of your love

[Chorus]

Give me something good and I'll fuck it up
All my life I've tried but never had much luck
To be happy but I guess it's just not meant to be
I'm gunna die a loser

[Chorus]

I'm gunna die a loser

[chorus]

Give me something good and I'll fuck it up
All my life I've tried but never had much luck
To be happy but I guess it's just not meant to be
I'm gunna die a loser

[Chorus]

I'm gunna die a loser
I'm gunna die a loser

Okay.

It's been a while since my last post. I'm not going to apologize for that, though. I can't help it when I'm not in a writing mood.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Possibly too much, but who cares, right? A friend of mine is dating again. She's finally found someone that can make her happy and isn't too afraid to act. I'm happy for her.

I still haven't secured a job, and to add insult to injury, the phone has been disconnected. So now any possible employers can't get a hold of me. This cuts the possibility of me getting a job from 'possible' to 'nope.'

NaNoWriMo starts Monday. I'm going to participate this year. Write a 50,000 word novel in just a month? I think I can do it. And considering my plans are for a non-fiction autobiographical novel, I should have plenty of information and ideas to run with. Should.

Also next month is my VA appointment. November 10th, I have to find a ride to BG to the American Legion building by 7:15am, to catch a bus to Nashville. I have both a mental health exam and a back physical, and hopefully I'll be able to secure at least health insurance from the VA for my problems. If not, then I'm fucked.

Day by day my sanity is dwindling. And with it, any emotions I have left other than fear and anger are disappearing. States of depression are more frequent now, triggered by anything and everything. Even when I'm not depressed, I hate me and my life.

EDIT: "Yeah, ***** is better because he fucken acts like he gives a damn."

Yeah, you're right. I don't act like it because nobody would believe me anyway. I can't act on anything because I'm too afraid. I'm happy for you, but will be beating myself up for a long time because it should have been me instead. I'm sorry.

- October 28, 2010 Update -

...

I've dropped.

Letter I'll Never Send

Dear Asshat Fucktard,

I've heard about how 'hurt' you are that I won't talk to you at family gatherings. Funny, I hear it from other people instead of from you, like it should be. You say you struggle with the feelings when I blatantly ignore you? You don't make a move to talk to me beyond, "Hi, how are you doing." I have yet to hear from your mouth about how you're saddened by my actions. I have yet to see a single shard of evidence that you care(d) about me at all. The only reason I have to be even semi-related to you is because you're the father of my sisters, and a very poor one at that.

Do you know what it feels like to be abandoned? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be shuffled off to the side in favor of someone else just because you don't 'belong' to that person? Do you realize the impact it has on a person to know that they were adopted by someone just so you could marry their mother and get into their pants in order to produce an heir all your own? Imagine, just for a second.

I carry your last fucking name because I was adopted into it. I carry it because it's the law, not because I carry any fucking feelings for you. If I had the money and knew where to go, I'd get my name changed in a flash, and I'd finally be able to cut the last tie I have to your shitty-ass "legacy." As it stands, I DON'T have the money, and I DON'T know how to get it done if I did.

My mother had every intention of letting me believe that you were my real dad, except that as I was growing up, I always felt there was something missing. Not just the presence of a real father, but also that love that a father, adopted or not, is supposed to show their children. ADOPTED OR NOT. The limited memories I have of you as I was growing up all show that you favored my sisters over me.

It was apparent mainly in punishments, and I remember at least twice getting spanked viciously by you over something Kaylee or Jasmyn "said" I did. The most vivid was the beating I got from you after Kaylee told you that I dumped her clothes out of her window, when in fact that was something SHE did during a temper tantrum, along with wasting toothpaste by smearing it all over a lightbulb. I'm surprised you didn't scar my legs, as many times as you missed my butt with that belt.

You favored them because they were solely yours, didn't you? Your offer to come live with you was given solely to them because you FORGOT about me. Imagine what that was like for a second. To come home from school to find out that your siblings have been offered to go elsewhere, while your name didn't even come up in conversation. I'm pretty sure the only times you remember me is when you see me face to face. That's what it feels like.

Imagine this for a second, too. Imagine you have a father who lavishes money on your siblings in things like BUYING THEIR FIRST CAR(S) FOR THEM and insurance for said vehicles, but when your name is even suggested your father starts laughing, or straight up says he doesn't have any money.

Maybe this is mostly jealousy, but it's jealousy that's been building for over two fucking decades. I have every right to be angry about this. You were supposed to be the father that I would have never had, and yet it was all a lie. It was all a fucking ploy. YOU NEVER LOVED ME.

And there was a time where I might have loved you, but that time is long past. Now I get to sit and wait for you to man up and fucking APOLOGIZE, although I know that'll never happen. You don't have the balls.

FUCK YOU.

Oh, Hello Rehash

I just listened to the new Linkin Park album A Thousand Suns and I have to say it's disappointing to hear this band resort to rehashing previous albums. (No, Reanimation wasn't a rehash album, that was a remix album. There's a difference.)

A Thousand Suns sounds like Minutes to Midnight with different tracks. The grungy, rock-filled albums of the past are obviously over, shoved out of the way in favor of new wave indie pop and anti-war/anti-government propaganda. Lots of ambiance can be heard on this track, lots of fades and rushes. The instrumentation is lacking for all of the effects they used to not make every song sound like the last.

Remember Meteora? That neat experiment song Nobody's Listening? It sounds like they tried for that feel on nearly every song on this album. Like the entire album is an experiment, and a failed one at that.

I'm generally a fan of Linkin Park. I gave their last album a shot, and some of the songs grew on me, and here I was hoping they'd go back to their roots for this new CD. I hoped for nothing, I was let down.

The closest you'll get to their old sound on this album is the song Blackout. And even then, it sounds like they had Michael Jackson sing/scream this track before the man died. And the background music just does NOT fit. It seriously sounds like it belongs in the water level of Sonic 4. It even sounds like it was generated with a MIDI synthesizer or a Genesis.

Wretches and Kings sounds like a throwback to Fort Minor. You know who Fort Minor is, right? Mike Shinoda's little rap group pet project? They had, like, one commercially released album and a bunch of self-released LPs. It's actually not bad, but one good song in a collection of 15 is not a good thing.

There are tracks on this album that are too short to be worth anything. I can understand the intro being a short bit of music, but when there are other tracks that are snippets of speeches and nonsensical percussion runs, I start wondering if the production of this album was mixed with the production of an Eminem album.

The title track for this album is The Catalyst. It's been featured in the commercial for some war game... I think it's Call of Duty, might be Medal of Honor. One of those games. I'd heard it there, I'd heard it on MySpace, I'd heard the remixes, I'd even took a shot at remixing it myself. It's crap.

Seriously. The title track, for the first time in Linkin Park's history, is absolute shit. Like Blackout, The Catalyst's music sounds like it was done with a MIDI synth. The lyrics have a very LOUD anti-war/pro-religious sound to them. Are Linkin Park trying to crossover into the Christian Pop/Alternative genre? (I hope not, there are enough faux Pop/Indie/Alternative artists doing Christian music -.-) If I wanted to listen to a political Indie album, I'd throw in Thursday's Full Collapse.

All in all, A Thousand Suns is a piece of shit with a SINGLE defining song. That song will probably never get any radio airtime. LP will litter the radio with their softer, politically stuffed songs (like The Catalyst) and declare to the rest of the world that they've forgotten their old fans.

2/10 stars

I Get So Pissed Off On This Date

September 11th.

For the rest of the world, September 11th may not hold much significance, but for the US, it's the anniversary of the worst terrorist attack in the history of the country.

After September 11th, 2001, the US began attacking Afghanistan, looking for a terrorist by the name of Osama bin Laden. We (I hate having to use that pronoun, especially because I don't consider myself a patriot of this country) were bombing hillsides and small towns, invading the country, looking for an old man in a turban, who carries around an oxygen tank so he can breathe. As far as I know, he still hasn't been captured, nor has his body been recovered.

If you look at it, the war in Afghanistan has been all but forgotten in favor of the war in Iraq. But where's the link? We jumped from Afghanistan to Iraq for no reason other than "they have helped the Taliban." Guess what? So has Palestine, so has Russia, so has Cuba, so has North Korea, but we haven't invaded any of those countries!

Call me a conspiracy theorist if you must, but I believe the entire ordeal in 2001 was set up by our own government. All the lives that were lost in the collapsing of the Twin Towers rests on the shoulders of Bush and his administration. And still those men and women are all free.

We were attacked from within so that the government could start a war, and give an excuse to go after not Osama, but Hussein. After all, didn't Hussein attempt to assassinate Bush Sr.? And Bush Sr. never got his revenge, so who better to try for vengeance than Sr.'s son? and in the process, we can take over the wonderful oil fields to fuel our war, because we're running out of our reserves as it is. Who cares about all the American lives that were lost, we can just blame other people!

No. FUCK YOU, no. We started a war we never should have started. The US is a fucking bully, shoving around smaller, less developed countries because we CAN. Want to know why we haven't invaded anywhere else?

NUCLEAR, BIOLOGICAL, AND CHEMICAL CAPABILITIES.

We signed a treaty to never use nuclear or biological weapons in combat. Here's a list of the people who did not sign the nuclear treaty, out of the list of countries I mentioned:

1) North Korea
2) Palestine
3) Cuba
4) A bunch of other countries I haven't mentioned

Now for a list of the countries that aren't against using biological and chemical means for war:

1) North Korea
2) Cuba
3) Russia
4) Palestine
5) A bunch of other countries I haven't mentioned

Okay, so we consider Cuba to be one of our territories, so we can't attack there. But why not? We already attacked New York!

Let's look at the Towers collapsing, shall we?

"On September 11, 2001, American Airlines Flight 11 crashed it into the northern facade of the north tower at 08:46am, impacting between the 93rd and 99th floors. The north tower collapsed at 10:28am, after burning for approximately 102 minutes."

"On September 11, 2001, United Airlines Flight 175 crashed into the south tower at 9:03am, impacting between the 77th and 85th floors. At 9:59am, the south tower collapsed due to fire, which caused steel structural elements, already weakened from the plane impact, to fail."

Okay, so, someone tell me why the first tower to fall was the second tower hit? Wouldn't the first tower have also suffered from structural damage to the steel of the building? Also, why did the south tower fall in less than an hour, while the north tower took almost two hours?

Also, let's look at the manner in which the towers fell:

CLICK - A couple things. First of all, at 0:26, watch for a flash on the building and listen closely for a thud sound. Sounds like the explosion you hear right as a firework goes off, doesn't it? Also, look at the angle of the gouges in the buildings. Take note of where they're located. I'll get to why in a moment.

CLICK - This is a video of the south tower collapsing. Watch the way it falls.
CLICK - This is a video of the north tower collapsing. Watch the way it falls.
CLICK - This is a video of a controlled, top-down demolition. Notice any similarities?

Now, you noticed the wounds in the buildings from the video further up. Wouldn't a building that was collapsing on its own tip over at those wounds, much like a tree? You drive an axe into a tree anywhere and give it a little shove, and the weight of the tree above the wound is going to fall towards the wound itself, because that side is weaker. So why did the buildings fall straight down into its own footprint?

The explosions from the impacts of the planes into the buildings are not consistent with normal plane impacts. The great ball of orange flame that was included, along with the muffled mushroom cloud of smoke, is more consistent with napalm than with jet fuel. Not to mention the sheer mass of flame that was produced, and the thick black smoke that continued to pour out of the building. Normal jet fuel would have burned off by the time the buildings collapsed, and the flames would not have continued to burn as brightly as they did. There have been reports of flames continuing to burn at the site of the collapse, something that also would not have been possible if the flames were not fueled by something stronger than jet fuel.

And then, what about the planes themselves? A normal jet airliner has windows on the body of the plane in order to allow the passengers to see outside of it.

CLICK - Eyewitness reports that the planes had no windows. Not to mention, a voice in the beginning of the tape saying they weren't American Airlines flights.

Here's what I believe hit the WTC buildings: CLICK

That's a military plane. KC-135 military transport plane.

I believe this entire thing was orchestrated by the government as an excuse to start a war, and impose more laws upon the people of this country. 9/11 was a setup. And the real criminals of that date are out, scot-free, while we've started a religious war with innocent people.

Introspective

FEAR

* 1) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
* 2) a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
* 3) concern or anxiety; solicitude
* 4) reverential awe, esp. toward god.
* 5) that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid

I fear death. I fear death because death is something that I don't know, and there is no way for me to find out without actually experiencing it. And even then, I won't really know what it is because I'll be dead.

I also fear life. But I fear life not because I don't know it, but because I do know it. I fear life because I am constantly seeing that the events in my life repeat themselves, and I don't like that. I don't like the pain that life brings me, so I try my best to hide from life.

Nothing I do changes what events will occur in my life. My actions tend to speed up the consequences that life likes to repeat for me. There is only a single consequence that life has not repeated, and I fear it as well.

So is my fear of death greater than my fear of life? No. Is it the other way around; is my fear of life greater than that of death? No.

When left to myself, I think far more than should be considered healthy. My thoughts are too disjointed to really be called coherent, usually. Just a random stream of consciousness that churns out an idea or two every once in a while. It's sessions like these that occur after a bout of anger that gives me the coherence I need. But I can't stay angry all the time. I've tried it, it's not good for me.

[<.<]

[>.>]

GRRR

Hypothetical scenario: You're friends with someone. You remark one day that you're thinking about joining the Army. Your friend throws a fit, digging up all this shit about the Army, relegating stories about how the Army has torn parts of their family apart, and how they just don't want you to join.

A couple months later, they join the Marines, without saying a single thing about it.

The above scenario was entirely hypothetical. But just imagine. You'd be pretty pissed at them, wouldn't you? You'd like to rip them a new asshole for being such a hypocritical piece of shit, wouldn't you?

Actual scenario: I'm friends with this person who claims they care about me. I posted a status on Facebook a few months ago about how I'd like to get high, but can't because I can't find any weed (and don't have a job anyway). She throws a fucking fit on my status, claiming she's "disappointed in me," about how weed causes all this shit in people (with no info to back her up), about how she has an uncle who has torn his family apart because he's absolutely batshit crazy violent when he's not high, and how weed is equal with cocaine or heroin.

And then I find out yesterday that she went and popped two different kinds of X without knowing what the fuck it does.

I'm angry. Angry enough that I'm shaking, but other than shaking I look completely calm. Like my anger has transcended the spectrum of anger all the way back to perfectly calm. It's probably the fact that I'm this angry is why I'm not depressed right now.

I can't even type out my thoughts right now.

I Am Fucked Up

You ever get into those moods where all you want to do is stay locked in a room somewhere with a favorite song or two playing over and over? The sort of mood where doing so is pretty much the only way you'll be able to stay sane?

Am I selfish for wanting to find someone who is willing to put up with me? Most people look for a partner with whom they can give their best, and repeatedly believe that the potential mate won't see the worst side of them. One of those 'love conquers all' types of things, I guess. So does it make me selfish or a bad person to want to find someone and tell them of/show them the worst side of me in hopes that they stay, so that the best of me will actually be the best?

What brought this on? A conversation I had with a friend last night, Here's the most relevant snippet:

Me:
I'm swinging from fine to earth-shattering depression every night.

Them:
you need a mood ring

Me:
I need therapy. Or a girlfriend that live here that will put up with my moodswings. I was taking my sleeping pills last night and had to will myself to not take the whole bottle

Them:
...
you actually want someone to put up with that? honey... I dont think anyone would wanna put up with that... It's asking for too much
I rather someone give me the best of them

...

----------------
"So just kill me now and let the good times roll..."

RAGE

I want you to close your eyes. Funny, isn't it? With your eyes closed, you can't read what's on the screen. I guess these instructions would be better suited to be given verbally than to be given textually. You know what? Close your eyes anyway.

Listen closely. Hear that, that thumping sound of your heart? If you can't hear your heart, that's alright. You can at least feel your heart and project the sound it might have made. Can't feel your heart? ... are you a zombie?

Okay, you can open your eyes again. What was the point of that? No point at all. Just trying to calm you down a bit. 'You' being a general term for whoever reads this, be it 1 person or 100.

All needs to be calm. Because I am not calm. I might look like it on the outside, but on the inside I am a horrible, raging hurricane of untethered emotional instability. I am pretty sure I'm plum-fucking-crazy. And being where I am is not helping things.

My mother is a fucking hypocrite from hell, and I guess I'm turning out like her. Every day David has a friend come over here; his name is Kenny Wayne. My mother does not like Kenny Wayne. Why? Other than the fact that the guy is just as ignorant (if not more so) as David, it's because he is over here every day.

So whenever he pulls into the driveway, my mom's first words to me (since I'm usually in the kitchen finishing her chore... more on that later) are "I'm getting sick and tired of Kenny Wayne." Once or twice I've spoken up; "Go say something, then."

"... no."

I ask her why not, she avoids the question. She mumbles an answer under her breath, and then when I ask her to repeat it, she says never mind and moves into another room. And of course I'm busy, so I can't follow her. But it's like this for everything, regardless of who or what it is.

She was on a John MacArthur kick for a while a few months ago. She had me downloading his sermons for her, burning her CDs every night. And then when she was done with the CDs, she'd bitch to me about how he was wrong about things. So I told her to write him a letter and point out these things. She originally told me no. But she wouldn't stop bitching, so I told her to stop bitching to me and fucking do something about it.

So she wrote a letter, and got a letter back that was obviously written by a secretary.

She's complained about how the local churches aren't churches, but community gossip halls, and how she wants to do this or do that and 'help' get them 'on the right path again.' So I suggest that she do something, and she says, "No, I don't want to draw attention to myself."

THEN STOP YOUR FUCKING BITCHING!

Gah! Yes, there are some things I'm tired of from her, but at least I do my bitching here, where people can choose whether or not to read it, rather than out loud in front of people who have to be DEAF in order to not hear it!

Speaking of things I'm tired of from her: PICKING UP THE SLACK.

I understand she wants to get me out of my room, but my room is my safe zone. I will utterly SNAP if I'm not allowed to spend time in it, on my computer. I will be more crazy than normal.

I understand she wants me to get up and help around the house. However, the worst way to do this is to have me finish her shit. For instance, her favorite is to start the dishes, and then have absolutely nothing to do for the rest of whatever other than reading, but she wants me to finish her shit. She started the dishes, she should fucking finish them.

What happens if I try that? I get bitched at for not finishing the dishes. I fill up the sink, get sidetracked, and the dishes stay in the sink overnight? I get bitched at. She does the same thing? It's suddenly MY responsibility to do them.

Then there's cooking. Since her heart attack she's been on a health food kick, cooking up all these veggie-heavy "exotic" dishes. And being unable to manage her time as well. For instance, yesterday, I'm pretty sure she waited til I was awake before starting her recipe. Something that would have taken her a couple hours to do, and could have been finished by the time she had to watch the kids at 3:30pm, when she'd been awake since 6:00am reading. Reading.

I swear. Does Dizzles have to choke a bitch?

This Is a Sensitive Matter

I am seriously considering never telling my mother another damn truth ever again. She's lucky I told her the truth this time, and she thinks she knows what my "heart and conscience" think is right and/or wrong?

I am friends with a married couple, who's marriage and relationship is relatively open. There are a lot of specifics and all that (which I won't get in to because I don't know them all), but the gist of it is that as long as he says it's okay, then during alcoholic parties and such her sleeping with friends is fine. My introduction into this type of relationship was rather forward and sudden, and it took me a while to come to grips with it, but in the end I've decided that if they're okay with it, then I am too.

Because, you know... at least BOTH PARTIES know about it.

My mother's current boyfriend/not boyfriend/roommate/general origin of annoyance used to be married. And he was fucking my mother while he was still married. Not only this, but my mother KNEW he was married and fucking around. It didn't matter since "they're getting a divorce at some point anyway," so it was alright for her to do that.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

FUCK YOU. YOU CANNOT SIT BACK AND TELL ME THAT WHAT I'M DOING IS WRONG WHEN YOU DID THE SAME DAMN THING YOURSELF. NOT ONLY THIS, BUT YOU'RE ENCOURAGING THE BASTARD TO DO THE SAME DAMN SHIT TO YOU. AT THE VERY LEAST I FUCKING ASKED BOTH PARTIES BEFORE ANY FUCKING THING HAPPENED, UNDERSTAND?!

How is she encouraging him to cheat on her? How about, she's basically caught him before, and flat out told him it's okay, just don't do it again. She's continually complaining about how she doesn't want to live with him anymore, but what is she doing about it? Nothing. She has no job, and she makes no effort to get one. I at least make a fucking effort. She's trying to rely on winning the lottery. She has an opportunity to move to the projects to get away from him. Her excuse? "I don't want to go to the projects."

BITCH, EVEN YOU'VE SAID THE PROJECTS ARE 1000x BETTER THAN LIVING WITH DAVID.

Dammit, I'd go to the projects if I could afford it. I might even do that anyway once I snag a job. If it gets me out from underneath your hypocritical roof, I'll do it.

I think the reason why she doesn't want to go to the projects is not because of her own wanting or not wanting to. In fact, I think it's because when she first brought it up, I said that I didn't want to. But now that I continue to think about it, I'm fine with going. Her? She can't make up her fucking mind about ANYTHING anymore.

I am so TIRED of this shit. Not having a job, not having a working car, not being on my own, and every day getting bitched at for not having a job by a stupid bitch who doesn't have a job herself. She claims she has a job watching her grandkids, but that's not a job. At $3 an hour at most, that's a fucking FAVOR. She sits back and watches them suffer, and comes home and complains about it, saying she wants to do this or that, then goes back and does NOTHING. Quit fucking bitching about it and do something, or shut the fuck up.

So much I wish I could say to her out loud, but I can't because I still fucking live here and have nowhere else to go.

...

New blog. Maybe it'll help. I don't know.

All I really know is that I hate moodswings.