Letter I'll Never Send

Dear Asshat Fucktard,

I've heard about how 'hurt' you are that I won't talk to you at family gatherings. Funny, I hear it from other people instead of from you, like it should be. You say you struggle with the feelings when I blatantly ignore you? You don't make a move to talk to me beyond, "Hi, how are you doing." I have yet to hear from your mouth about how you're saddened by my actions. I have yet to see a single shard of evidence that you care(d) about me at all. The only reason I have to be even semi-related to you is because you're the father of my sisters, and a very poor one at that.

Do you know what it feels like to be abandoned? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be shuffled off to the side in favor of someone else just because you don't 'belong' to that person? Do you realize the impact it has on a person to know that they were adopted by someone just so you could marry their mother and get into their pants in order to produce an heir all your own? Imagine, just for a second.

I carry your last fucking name because I was adopted into it. I carry it because it's the law, not because I carry any fucking feelings for you. If I had the money and knew where to go, I'd get my name changed in a flash, and I'd finally be able to cut the last tie I have to your shitty-ass "legacy." As it stands, I DON'T have the money, and I DON'T know how to get it done if I did.

My mother had every intention of letting me believe that you were my real dad, except that as I was growing up, I always felt there was something missing. Not just the presence of a real father, but also that love that a father, adopted or not, is supposed to show their children. ADOPTED OR NOT. The limited memories I have of you as I was growing up all show that you favored my sisters over me.

It was apparent mainly in punishments, and I remember at least twice getting spanked viciously by you over something Kaylee or Jasmyn "said" I did. The most vivid was the beating I got from you after Kaylee told you that I dumped her clothes out of her window, when in fact that was something SHE did during a temper tantrum, along with wasting toothpaste by smearing it all over a lightbulb. I'm surprised you didn't scar my legs, as many times as you missed my butt with that belt.

You favored them because they were solely yours, didn't you? Your offer to come live with you was given solely to them because you FORGOT about me. Imagine what that was like for a second. To come home from school to find out that your siblings have been offered to go elsewhere, while your name didn't even come up in conversation. I'm pretty sure the only times you remember me is when you see me face to face. That's what it feels like.

Imagine this for a second, too. Imagine you have a father who lavishes money on your siblings in things like BUYING THEIR FIRST CAR(S) FOR THEM and insurance for said vehicles, but when your name is even suggested your father starts laughing, or straight up says he doesn't have any money.

Maybe this is mostly jealousy, but it's jealousy that's been building for over two fucking decades. I have every right to be angry about this. You were supposed to be the father that I would have never had, and yet it was all a lie. It was all a fucking ploy. YOU NEVER LOVED ME.

And there was a time where I might have loved you, but that time is long past. Now I get to sit and wait for you to man up and fucking APOLOGIZE, although I know that'll never happen. You don't have the balls.

FUCK YOU.