Introspective

FEAR

* 1) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
* 2) a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
* 3) concern or anxiety; solicitude
* 4) reverential awe, esp. toward god.
* 5) that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid

I fear death. I fear death because death is something that I don't know, and there is no way for me to find out without actually experiencing it. And even then, I won't really know what it is because I'll be dead.

I also fear life. But I fear life not because I don't know it, but because I do know it. I fear life because I am constantly seeing that the events in my life repeat themselves, and I don't like that. I don't like the pain that life brings me, so I try my best to hide from life.

Nothing I do changes what events will occur in my life. My actions tend to speed up the consequences that life likes to repeat for me. There is only a single consequence that life has not repeated, and I fear it as well.

So is my fear of death greater than my fear of life? No. Is it the other way around; is my fear of life greater than that of death? No.

When left to myself, I think far more than should be considered healthy. My thoughts are too disjointed to really be called coherent, usually. Just a random stream of consciousness that churns out an idea or two every once in a while. It's sessions like these that occur after a bout of anger that gives me the coherence I need. But I can't stay angry all the time. I've tried it, it's not good for me.

[<.<]

[>.>]

GRRR

Hypothetical scenario: You're friends with someone. You remark one day that you're thinking about joining the Army. Your friend throws a fit, digging up all this shit about the Army, relegating stories about how the Army has torn parts of their family apart, and how they just don't want you to join.

A couple months later, they join the Marines, without saying a single thing about it.

The above scenario was entirely hypothetical. But just imagine. You'd be pretty pissed at them, wouldn't you? You'd like to rip them a new asshole for being such a hypocritical piece of shit, wouldn't you?

Actual scenario: I'm friends with this person who claims they care about me. I posted a status on Facebook a few months ago about how I'd like to get high, but can't because I can't find any weed (and don't have a job anyway). She throws a fucking fit on my status, claiming she's "disappointed in me," about how weed causes all this shit in people (with no info to back her up), about how she has an uncle who has torn his family apart because he's absolutely batshit crazy violent when he's not high, and how weed is equal with cocaine or heroin.

And then I find out yesterday that she went and popped two different kinds of X without knowing what the fuck it does.

I'm angry. Angry enough that I'm shaking, but other than shaking I look completely calm. Like my anger has transcended the spectrum of anger all the way back to perfectly calm. It's probably the fact that I'm this angry is why I'm not depressed right now.

I can't even type out my thoughts right now.