The Spiral Begins Again

I've always tried for the best
I never wanted everything to end up so confusing
If all my life is a test
I never thought that God would find my failure so amusing

[Chorus]

Give me something good and I'll fuck it up
All my life I've tried but never had much luck
To be happy but I guess it's just not meant to be
I'm gunna die a loser

I'm sorry family and friends
I always wanted to be something you could all be proud of
All I am is a mess
And you still give me every chance in the world and all of your love

[Chorus]

Give me something good and I'll fuck it up
All my life I've tried but never had much luck
To be happy but I guess it's just not meant to be
I'm gunna die a loser

[Chorus]

I'm gunna die a loser

[chorus]

Give me something good and I'll fuck it up
All my life I've tried but never had much luck
To be happy but I guess it's just not meant to be
I'm gunna die a loser

[Chorus]

I'm gunna die a loser
I'm gunna die a loser

Okay.

It's been a while since my last post. I'm not going to apologize for that, though. I can't help it when I'm not in a writing mood.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Possibly too much, but who cares, right? A friend of mine is dating again. She's finally found someone that can make her happy and isn't too afraid to act. I'm happy for her.

I still haven't secured a job, and to add insult to injury, the phone has been disconnected. So now any possible employers can't get a hold of me. This cuts the possibility of me getting a job from 'possible' to 'nope.'

NaNoWriMo starts Monday. I'm going to participate this year. Write a 50,000 word novel in just a month? I think I can do it. And considering my plans are for a non-fiction autobiographical novel, I should have plenty of information and ideas to run with. Should.

Also next month is my VA appointment. November 10th, I have to find a ride to BG to the American Legion building by 7:15am, to catch a bus to Nashville. I have both a mental health exam and a back physical, and hopefully I'll be able to secure at least health insurance from the VA for my problems. If not, then I'm fucked.

Day by day my sanity is dwindling. And with it, any emotions I have left other than fear and anger are disappearing. States of depression are more frequent now, triggered by anything and everything. Even when I'm not depressed, I hate me and my life.

EDIT: "Yeah, ***** is better because he fucken acts like he gives a damn."

Yeah, you're right. I don't act like it because nobody would believe me anyway. I can't act on anything because I'm too afraid. I'm happy for you, but will be beating myself up for a long time because it should have been me instead. I'm sorry.

- October 28, 2010 Update -

...

I've dropped.