The Problem with Pain-based Rule Setting

Why is our immediate reaction to being hurt to turn around and hurt someone else? Is it a knee-jerk reaction?

Is it instinct, or is it just a habit? Is it really so hard a decision to NOT lash out immediately after? Instead of causing more pain and anguish, why not just brush it off and keep going?

Pain begets rules. Rules beget action(s). Action(s) create unforeseen scenarios. And unforeseen scenarios create more chances to hurt again.

So skip the rules. Pain should be nothing but a training tool; learn and be wiser to avoid the painful circumstance, instead of trying to set rules to avoid it. Wisdom is not as easily broken as rules are.

That's It

Just after midnight, I got the last message/contact I think I'll ever have from Amanda. Upon order from the guy she's seeing, she is forbidden to have any contact with me whatsoever. And I will comply with those wishes, because her happiness is paramount; far above my own.

It hurts, but I can't feel it. I have many months ahead of me to work on faking smiles and distracting laughs while I wait for the numbness to subside. I still have people (family, friends) to love, to keep me going, but that number seems to be dwindling fast, and the second those people are gone...

I finally had the opportunity to tell her mother how much of a dumb bitch she is, though.

Break

I don't want to settle down.

I don't want kids of my own.

I don't need to be left alone, but...

I need to be left alone.


I don't need to break your heart.

Dog Therapy

Amanda and I finally had our talk. She's finally seen everything I had to deal with when we were together. And she apologized for it all.

Now comes the difficult part: being with someone so different from her.

I think that's a big part of why I'm unhappy. Natalie's nice, but she's not Amanda. And I didn't wait long enough before I started dating again... I still love her. I still love Amanda.

I've spent a good amount of time around her the past couple of days, and around the dogs, and I feel... relieved. Like a ton of stress and worry and unease has been lifted from my shoulders.

And I don't know what to do.

-gamy

This subject scares me. It scares me because it goes completely against everything I have been raised to believe is right. It makes me think that maybe, just maybe, the person I have looked up to most in this world is wrong. And if she's wrong, then I'm wrong, and... it just spirals down from there.

I've gone almost 28 years believing that I'm supposed to settle down with one person and be happy. And then, a couple days ago, I woke up with the realization that I've never been happy with just one person. With the exception of one or two, every relationship I've had has ended badly. Every time I try to settle in with someone and be happy, I feel as if I'm missing something.

All my life, all I've known is monogamy. Being in a relationship with more than one person has always been a source of contempt within any community I've been in. Any time the idea of multiple partners is brought up, the person I'm with turns almost green with envy and jealousy, even when they were the first to recommend it! It's forever talked about, but doing never happens.

I'm always worried I'll end up alone. Maybe, I'm more afraid of ending up in a relationship that doesn't conform to the ideals I've been fed all my life. Am I afraid to die alone, or am I afraid of dying unmarried? Am I afraid of not being loved, or am I afraid of not loving enough?

Am I supposed to be with one person, or am I supposed to follow my heart and try to make as many people happy as I can?

I Think I've Figured It Out...

Have you ever taken an honesty profiling for a job? No? Then obviously said jobs haven't had problems with dishonest people.

Thing is, if they keep rejecting the people that answer honestly and hire the people that lie, they'll never have honest workers. -.-

I Wish...

... I knew better how to manage my stress. Whenever anything big or hard-hitting happens, the first thing I seem to wanna do is hide and disappear, and that can't be healthy.

I have a problem with making myself be heard and listened to.

On the One Hand...

I *do* love her.

But on the other hand...

Sometimes I feel like the only reason I'm still here is because I'm afraid. The same way I was afraid that Natalie and her kids would be out on the street if I moved out, I'm afraid she may hurt or kill herself if I leave her.

We're driving each other insane...