Introspective

FEAR

* 1) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
* 2) a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
* 3) concern or anxiety; solicitude
* 4) reverential awe, esp. toward god.
* 5) that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid

I fear death. I fear death because death is something that I don't know, and there is no way for me to find out without actually experiencing it. And even then, I won't really know what it is because I'll be dead.

I also fear life. But I fear life not because I don't know it, but because I do know it. I fear life because I am constantly seeing that the events in my life repeat themselves, and I don't like that. I don't like the pain that life brings me, so I try my best to hide from life.

Nothing I do changes what events will occur in my life. My actions tend to speed up the consequences that life likes to repeat for me. There is only a single consequence that life has not repeated, and I fear it as well.

So is my fear of death greater than my fear of life? No. Is it the other way around; is my fear of life greater than that of death? No.

When left to myself, I think far more than should be considered healthy. My thoughts are too disjointed to really be called coherent, usually. Just a random stream of consciousness that churns out an idea or two every once in a while. It's sessions like these that occur after a bout of anger that gives me the coherence I need. But I can't stay angry all the time. I've tried it, it's not good for me.