You ever get into those moods where all you want to do is stay locked in a room somewhere with a favorite song or two playing over and over? The sort of mood where doing so is pretty much the only way you'll be able to stay sane?
Am I selfish for wanting to find someone who is willing to put up with me? Most people look for a partner with whom they can give their best, and repeatedly believe that the potential mate won't see the worst side of them. One of those 'love conquers all' types of things, I guess. So does it make me selfish or a bad person to want to find someone and tell them of/show them the worst side of me in hopes that they stay, so that the best of me will actually be the best?
What brought this on? A conversation I had with a friend last night, Here's the most relevant snippet:
Me:
I'm swinging from fine to earth-shattering depression every night.
Them:
you need a mood ring
Me:
I need therapy. Or a girlfriend that live here that will put up with my moodswings. I was taking my sleeping pills last night and had to will myself to not take the whole bottle
Them:
...
you actually want someone to put up with that? honey... I dont think anyone would wanna put up with that... It's asking for too much
I rather someone give me the best of them
...
----------------
"So just kill me now and let the good times roll..."
27 July 2010
22 July 2010
RAGE
I want you to close your eyes. Funny, isn't it? With your eyes closed, you can't read what's on the screen. I guess these instructions would be better suited to be given verbally than to be given textually. You know what? Close your eyes anyway.
Listen closely. Hear that, that thumping sound of your heart? If you can't hear your heart, that's alright. You can at least feel your heart and project the sound it might have made. Can't feel your heart? ... are you a zombie?
Okay, you can open your eyes again. What was the point of that? No point at all. Just trying to calm you down a bit. 'You' being a general term for whoever reads this, be it 1 person or 100.
All needs to be calm. Because I am not calm. I might look like it on the outside, but on the inside I am a horrible, raging hurricane of untethered emotional instability. I am pretty sure I'm plum-fucking-crazy. And being where I am is not helping things.
My mother is a fucking hypocrite from hell, and I guess I'm turning out like her. Every day David has a friend come over here; his name is Kenny Wayne. My mother does not like Kenny Wayne. Why? Other than the fact that the guy is just as ignorant (if not more so) as David, it's because he is over here every day.
So whenever he pulls into the driveway, my mom's first words to me (since I'm usually in the kitchen finishing her chore... more on that later) are "I'm getting sick and tired of Kenny Wayne." Once or twice I've spoken up; "Go say something, then."
"... no."
I ask her why not, she avoids the question. She mumbles an answer under her breath, and then when I ask her to repeat it, she says never mind and moves into another room. And of course I'm busy, so I can't follow her. But it's like this for everything, regardless of who or what it is.
She was on a John MacArthur kick for a while a few months ago. She had me downloading his sermons for her, burning her CDs every night. And then when she was done with the CDs, she'd bitch to me about how he was wrong about things. So I told her to write him a letter and point out these things. She originally told me no. But she wouldn't stop bitching, so I told her to stop bitching to me and fucking do something about it.
So she wrote a letter, and got a letter back that was obviously written by a secretary.
She's complained about how the local churches aren't churches, but community gossip halls, and how she wants to do this or do that and 'help' get them 'on the right path again.' So I suggest that she do something, and she says, "No, I don't want to draw attention to myself."
THEN STOP YOUR FUCKING BITCHING!
Gah! Yes, there are some things I'm tired of from her, but at least I do my bitching here, where people can choose whether or not to read it, rather than out loud in front of people who have to be DEAF in order to not hear it!
Speaking of things I'm tired of from her: PICKING UP THE SLACK.
I understand she wants to get me out of my room, but my room is my safe zone. I will utterly SNAP if I'm not allowed to spend time in it, on my computer. I will be more crazy than normal.
I understand she wants me to get up and help around the house. However, the worst way to do this is to have me finish her shit. For instance, her favorite is to start the dishes, and then have absolutely nothing to do for the rest of whatever other than reading, but she wants me to finish her shit. She started the dishes, she should fucking finish them.
What happens if I try that? I get bitched at for not finishing the dishes. I fill up the sink, get sidetracked, and the dishes stay in the sink overnight? I get bitched at. She does the same thing? It's suddenly MY responsibility to do them.
Then there's cooking. Since her heart attack she's been on a health food kick, cooking up all these veggie-heavy "exotic" dishes. And being unable to manage her time as well. For instance, yesterday, I'm pretty sure she waited til I was awake before starting her recipe. Something that would have taken her a couple hours to do, and could have been finished by the time she had to watch the kids at 3:30pm, when she'd been awake since 6:00am reading. Reading.
I swear. Does Dizzles have to choke a bitch?
Listen closely. Hear that, that thumping sound of your heart? If you can't hear your heart, that's alright. You can at least feel your heart and project the sound it might have made. Can't feel your heart? ... are you a zombie?
Okay, you can open your eyes again. What was the point of that? No point at all. Just trying to calm you down a bit. 'You' being a general term for whoever reads this, be it 1 person or 100.
All needs to be calm. Because I am not calm. I might look like it on the outside, but on the inside I am a horrible, raging hurricane of untethered emotional instability. I am pretty sure I'm plum-fucking-crazy. And being where I am is not helping things.
My mother is a fucking hypocrite from hell, and I guess I'm turning out like her. Every day David has a friend come over here; his name is Kenny Wayne. My mother does not like Kenny Wayne. Why? Other than the fact that the guy is just as ignorant (if not more so) as David, it's because he is over here every day.
So whenever he pulls into the driveway, my mom's first words to me (since I'm usually in the kitchen finishing her chore... more on that later) are "I'm getting sick and tired of Kenny Wayne." Once or twice I've spoken up; "Go say something, then."
"... no."
I ask her why not, she avoids the question. She mumbles an answer under her breath, and then when I ask her to repeat it, she says never mind and moves into another room. And of course I'm busy, so I can't follow her. But it's like this for everything, regardless of who or what it is.
She was on a John MacArthur kick for a while a few months ago. She had me downloading his sermons for her, burning her CDs every night. And then when she was done with the CDs, she'd bitch to me about how he was wrong about things. So I told her to write him a letter and point out these things. She originally told me no. But she wouldn't stop bitching, so I told her to stop bitching to me and fucking do something about it.
So she wrote a letter, and got a letter back that was obviously written by a secretary.
She's complained about how the local churches aren't churches, but community gossip halls, and how she wants to do this or do that and 'help' get them 'on the right path again.' So I suggest that she do something, and she says, "No, I don't want to draw attention to myself."
THEN STOP YOUR FUCKING BITCHING!
Gah! Yes, there are some things I'm tired of from her, but at least I do my bitching here, where people can choose whether or not to read it, rather than out loud in front of people who have to be DEAF in order to not hear it!
Speaking of things I'm tired of from her: PICKING UP THE SLACK.
I understand she wants to get me out of my room, but my room is my safe zone. I will utterly SNAP if I'm not allowed to spend time in it, on my computer. I will be more crazy than normal.
I understand she wants me to get up and help around the house. However, the worst way to do this is to have me finish her shit. For instance, her favorite is to start the dishes, and then have absolutely nothing to do for the rest of whatever other than reading, but she wants me to finish her shit. She started the dishes, she should fucking finish them.
What happens if I try that? I get bitched at for not finishing the dishes. I fill up the sink, get sidetracked, and the dishes stay in the sink overnight? I get bitched at. She does the same thing? It's suddenly MY responsibility to do them.
Then there's cooking. Since her heart attack she's been on a health food kick, cooking up all these veggie-heavy "exotic" dishes. And being unable to manage her time as well. For instance, yesterday, I'm pretty sure she waited til I was awake before starting her recipe. Something that would have taken her a couple hours to do, and could have been finished by the time she had to watch the kids at 3:30pm, when she'd been awake since 6:00am reading. Reading.
I swear. Does Dizzles have to choke a bitch?
19 July 2010
This Is a Sensitive Matter
I am seriously considering never telling my mother another damn truth ever again. She's lucky I told her the truth this time, and she thinks she knows what my "heart and conscience" think is right and/or wrong?
I am friends with a married couple, who's marriage and relationship is relatively open. There are a lot of specifics and all that (which I won't get in to because I don't know them all), but the gist of it is that as long as he says it's okay, then during alcoholic parties and such her sleeping with friends is fine. My introduction into this type of relationship was rather forward and sudden, and it took me a while to come to grips with it, but in the end I've decided that if they're okay with it, then I am too.
Because, you know... at least BOTH PARTIES know about it.
My mother's current boyfriend/not boyfriend/roommate/general origin of annoyance used to be married. And he was fucking my mother while he was still married. Not only this, but my mother KNEW he was married and fucking around. It didn't matter since "they're getting a divorce at some point anyway," so it was alright for her to do that.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
FUCK YOU. YOU CANNOT SIT BACK AND TELL ME THAT WHAT I'M DOING IS WRONG WHEN YOU DID THE SAME DAMN THING YOURSELF. NOT ONLY THIS, BUT YOU'RE ENCOURAGING THE BASTARD TO DO THE SAME DAMN SHIT TO YOU. AT THE VERY LEAST I FUCKING ASKED BOTH PARTIES BEFORE ANY FUCKING THING HAPPENED, UNDERSTAND?!
How is she encouraging him to cheat on her? How about, she's basically caught him before, and flat out told him it's okay, just don't do it again. She's continually complaining about how she doesn't want to live with him anymore, but what is she doing about it? Nothing. She has no job, and she makes no effort to get one. I at least make a fucking effort. She's trying to rely on winning the lottery. She has an opportunity to move to the projects to get away from him. Her excuse? "I don't want to go to the projects."
BITCH, EVEN YOU'VE SAID THE PROJECTS ARE 1000x BETTER THAN LIVING WITH DAVID.
Dammit, I'd go to the projects if I could afford it. I might even do that anyway once I snag a job. If it gets me out from underneath your hypocritical roof, I'll do it.
I think the reason why she doesn't want to go to the projects is not because of her own wanting or not wanting to. In fact, I think it's because when she first brought it up, I said that I didn't want to. But now that I continue to think about it, I'm fine with going. Her? She can't make up her fucking mind about ANYTHING anymore.
I am so TIRED of this shit. Not having a job, not having a working car, not being on my own, and every day getting bitched at for not having a job by a stupid bitch who doesn't have a job herself. She claims she has a job watching her grandkids, but that's not a job. At $3 an hour at most, that's a fucking FAVOR. She sits back and watches them suffer, and comes home and complains about it, saying she wants to do this or that, then goes back and does NOTHING. Quit fucking bitching about it and do something, or shut the fuck up.
So much I wish I could say to her out loud, but I can't because I still fucking live here and have nowhere else to go.
I am friends with a married couple, who's marriage and relationship is relatively open. There are a lot of specifics and all that (which I won't get in to because I don't know them all), but the gist of it is that as long as he says it's okay, then during alcoholic parties and such her sleeping with friends is fine. My introduction into this type of relationship was rather forward and sudden, and it took me a while to come to grips with it, but in the end I've decided that if they're okay with it, then I am too.
Because, you know... at least BOTH PARTIES know about it.
My mother's current boyfriend/not boyfriend/roommate/general origin of annoyance used to be married. And he was fucking my mother while he was still married. Not only this, but my mother KNEW he was married and fucking around. It didn't matter since "they're getting a divorce at some point anyway," so it was alright for her to do that.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
FUCK YOU. YOU CANNOT SIT BACK AND TELL ME THAT WHAT I'M DOING IS WRONG WHEN YOU DID THE SAME DAMN THING YOURSELF. NOT ONLY THIS, BUT YOU'RE ENCOURAGING THE BASTARD TO DO THE SAME DAMN SHIT TO YOU. AT THE VERY LEAST I FUCKING ASKED BOTH PARTIES BEFORE ANY FUCKING THING HAPPENED, UNDERSTAND?!
How is she encouraging him to cheat on her? How about, she's basically caught him before, and flat out told him it's okay, just don't do it again. She's continually complaining about how she doesn't want to live with him anymore, but what is she doing about it? Nothing. She has no job, and she makes no effort to get one. I at least make a fucking effort. She's trying to rely on winning the lottery. She has an opportunity to move to the projects to get away from him. Her excuse? "I don't want to go to the projects."
BITCH, EVEN YOU'VE SAID THE PROJECTS ARE 1000x BETTER THAN LIVING WITH DAVID.
Dammit, I'd go to the projects if I could afford it. I might even do that anyway once I snag a job. If it gets me out from underneath your hypocritical roof, I'll do it.
I think the reason why she doesn't want to go to the projects is not because of her own wanting or not wanting to. In fact, I think it's because when she first brought it up, I said that I didn't want to. But now that I continue to think about it, I'm fine with going. Her? She can't make up her fucking mind about ANYTHING anymore.
I am so TIRED of this shit. Not having a job, not having a working car, not being on my own, and every day getting bitched at for not having a job by a stupid bitch who doesn't have a job herself. She claims she has a job watching her grandkids, but that's not a job. At $3 an hour at most, that's a fucking FAVOR. She sits back and watches them suffer, and comes home and complains about it, saying she wants to do this or that, then goes back and does NOTHING. Quit fucking bitching about it and do something, or shut the fuck up.
So much I wish I could say to her out loud, but I can't because I still fucking live here and have nowhere else to go.
17 July 2010
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