This subject scares me. It scares me because it goes
completely against everything I have been raised to believe is right. It
makes me think that maybe, just maybe, the person I have looked up to
most in this world is wrong. And if she's wrong, then I'm wrong, and...
it just spirals down from there.
I've gone almost 28 years believing that I'm supposed to settle down with one person and be happy. And then, a couple days ago, I woke up with the realization that I've never been happy with just one person. With the exception of one or two, every relationship I've had has ended badly. Every time I try to settle in with someone and be happy, I feel as if I'm missing something.
All my life, all I've known is monogamy. Being in a relationship with more than one person has always been a source of contempt within any community I've been in. Any time the idea of multiple partners is brought up, the person I'm with turns almost green with envy and jealousy, even when they were the first to recommend it! It's forever talked about, but doing never happens.
I'm always worried I'll end up alone. Maybe, I'm more afraid of ending up in a relationship that doesn't conform to the ideals I've been fed all my life. Am I afraid to die alone, or am I afraid of dying unmarried? Am I afraid of not being loved, or am I afraid of not loving enough?
Am I supposed to be with one person, or am I supposed to follow my heart and try to make as many people happy as I can?
I've gone almost 28 years believing that I'm supposed to settle down with one person and be happy. And then, a couple days ago, I woke up with the realization that I've never been happy with just one person. With the exception of one or two, every relationship I've had has ended badly. Every time I try to settle in with someone and be happy, I feel as if I'm missing something.
All my life, all I've known is monogamy. Being in a relationship with more than one person has always been a source of contempt within any community I've been in. Any time the idea of multiple partners is brought up, the person I'm with turns almost green with envy and jealousy, even when they were the first to recommend it! It's forever talked about, but doing never happens.
I'm always worried I'll end up alone. Maybe, I'm more afraid of ending up in a relationship that doesn't conform to the ideals I've been fed all my life. Am I afraid to die alone, or am I afraid of dying unmarried? Am I afraid of not being loved, or am I afraid of not loving enough?
Am I supposed to be with one person, or am I supposed to follow my heart and try to make as many people happy as I can?
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