"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
I have always had a problem with Love; Love without ceasing, Love without boundaries, Love without worry. Jealousy stands in my way, and Hate, and Doubt... Abuse of the word has led me to believe it doesn't exist anymore; its cousin Lust has successfully infiltrated the world in disguise and most people don't even realize, don't even recognize.
I spent years refusing to even say the word. Now I try to say it every day, and I feel like it's ignored. Or it's not believed. Or its misunderstood or even underestimated. It's love that has kept me here as long as it has. It's Failure and Doubt and Fear that make me want to leave.
Love never fails... but I do. When I was a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I put my childhood dreams behind me and concentrated on the future... at least, I tried to do that. And in every situation in which I tried to Love, I failed. I still think like a child, still act like a child. I have failed to grow up.
Years ago, I made a pact with myself, that I wouldn't lose my childhood, and instead of setting aside a piece of it and just holding on, I instead held on to all of it and rejected adulthood. Rejected manhood. I'm still just a little boy with no home, no life. Still a child who has to depend on others to live. I can't be on my own; I fear it. I fear life.
I fear Love.
I don't seem to be able to hold on to much. I can't hold on to my past because it's riddled with Failure and Loss like bulletholes in a gunfight. I can't claim a single piece of it because it doesn't work like that with me. It's all or nothing, and the way my life has gone, I prefer nothing.
I want to be happy. I also want happiness for all those around me. And I'm having trouble grasping which one I want more. Do I want happiness for myself more than for those around me? Or am I truly as worthless as I feel and those around me deserve my best try in making them happy?
Or am I being too optimistic; I'm never going to do anything right?
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