Stream of Thoughts, Take I

I look down

always down

always at my feet, I can't look you in the eye, I can't face you when you talk to me, I look up, I look to the side, I look down

I'm not hiding

I'm not fighting anything, I just don't want to be here, I don't like people, I don't like talking, everything I say is ammo

everything I feel is numb

I smile to make you feel better but inside I'm in a little boat in the midst of a hurricane and my sail is still out and I'm fighting against the winds and the waves to try to pull it down and tie it down before I'm driven mad, and every other thought is about how I should just give up and let the storm take me and I start to consider myself a fool for continuing to fight, and I want so badly to rest and get through this storm that's raging and

I just don't want to be here