I Don't Go to Church

I don't go to church.


I don't go to church because I find it to be a pointless waste of time.

I don't go to church because there is no such thing as church around here; nobody gathers together in Jesus' name. People gather together to gossip and spread news about people and lives that are not their own. People gather together to plan parties and festivals, to push paganistic doctrine masked as Christianity on to those people who are too blind to see the truth, too feeble to do the legwork of their own investigation.

I don't go to church, because I can't stand the fact that I have to sit down and keep my mouth shut while preachers spit their silver. Who are you going to believe: a degree-toting "man of God" or this mid-20s bum? And which creation sounds more appealing to you: a Christianity that lets you walk around gossiping about people behind their backs, celebrating these odd but somehow-totally-related-to-Jesus holidays like Easter and Christmas, and praying for forgivness one Sunday after spending the entire week sinning, intending to rinse and repeat? Or do you want a Christianity that has you giving freely of yourself without asking for anything in return; that has you reaching out and helping every one of your neighbors, from the homosexual couple that lives next door and needs a cup of sugar, to the down-on-his-luck Hell's Angel that pulled up to the pump next to you and is $5 short on his gas; that has you ignoring the tree and the rabbit and instead has you celebrating the mass exodus of the Hebrews from Egypt and the Passover preceeding it; that has you gather with other people in a like mind to praise God, and not go over when the next we're-gonna-do-good-so-we-don't-feel-so-guilty fundraiser is; that everyone is a creation of God and is deserving of His love, whether they be a follower of your interpretation of the Word or not?

But most importantly, I don't go to church because it makes me feel like a failure; I sit in the pew, listening to the bible being interpreted by a mortal man standing above me in the pulpit, and I want to cry because I feel like I'm not doing what God has intended. I feel less than capable, even with His help. I don't know where I'm supposed to go in life. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to put my talents to use for service in His name. I grow angry with myself because I can't follow His instructions to love my neighbor(s) as I love myself; I don't love myself. I give without recourse, without expecting repayment, but I can't stop the feelings of frustration and annoyance and anger when my generosity is taken advantage of. I try to forgive the "70 times 7" I am advised of in the bible, but the bad feelings rise up in me and I feel that because I cannot control these reactionary emotions, I must be failing Him.

I don't go to church, and my faith is failing.